By My New Year Resolution is not to make any New Year Resolutions
‘Last New Year, I made some resolutions. But the very next day, I gave it away.
This year to save me from tears. I will not make any resolutions again.’
As I was listening to ‘Last Christmas’ by Wham! on the chilly night of early October, these thoughts popped right into my head. It was still three months till a new year but as an over thinker, I could not help myself.
I had been making resolutions since I knew the meaning of what a resolution was. But, it never even last a month.
Going back to 31st December 2019, I was tremendously excited for New Year. I was too high on ‘new year, new me’ endorphins.
I had even brought a new diary with all my resolutions and plans listed out.
With a clean and colorful writing and hints of pencil lines, on the top of the list was ‘To Eat Healthy’. ‘Exercise daily’, ‘Hang out less in Social Media’ and ‘Write to yourself’ made it to the top 4 among others.
The very next day as I was celebrating the beginning of 2020 with my friends. There, I had gobbled the cheesiest burger, a plate of mo:mos and two luscious ice cream.
When my mouth was full of these foods, I did not have a single piece of guilt inside me. Both, my heart and brain thought that the beginning can be marked as an excuse.
Yet, who would have thought it was the beginning of failure of my so-called New Year Resolutions.
Sticking with the resolution
2nd January, 2020. I woke up at 10 am. And yes I did not exercise at all. Instead I was gobbling every bit of unhealthy snacks I could find.
The diary I had brought limited to ‘Dear Diary’. As I could not even continue my top four resolutions, you can imagine how my other resolutions ended up.
Few months had passed by. I did not feel guilty about those resolutions.
My daily routine limited to going to college, completing assignments and watching movies. I was at chill. Till then I could have never guessed how my failed resolutions would haunt me down.
The hapless moment I remembered my failed resolution was when I saw the dairy. I had listed out those unmet commitments.
The diary was full of grayish dust lying in the heap of needless books.
As I turned the pages, I felt immense pain and guilt inside. The blank pages reminded me how I was not able to keep promises that I made to myself.
My heart made out that I was good at nothing and my brain sensed the failure in me. I was in constant trouble to find myself being confident about doing anything. To make myself feel strong, I even tried to live with motto like ‘Rules are meant to be broken.’
But, when you are wide awake at 2 am fighting with your thoughts, you usually lose with the thoughts. With the thoughts of your own failure.
It’s not that I didn’t try at all. After that feeling of guilt, I even made an effort to resurrect my dead resolutions. I was in too much hurry. Trying hard not to eat your favorite ice-cream, as well as staying away from phone to stay idle made life more miserable.
I was losing myself by thinking too much. While I was trying to fulfill these commitments, it was hard to believe in myself.
Self- doubt lead nowhere and I did not even enjoy the process as well. I was in the verge of mental breakdown when I realized something.
I wondered why I was doing what I was doing. I sat down and thought if eating an ice-cream makes me happy, why should I stop eating that? Throughout the time that I was so focused on ‘WHAT’, I had never realized the answer was hidden in ‘WHY’.
That’s when I was listening to ‘Last Christmas’ by Wham, those thoughts popped right into my head. The thought of making my New Year Resolution 2021, is not to make any New Year Resolutions.
Read More by Sajira Shrestha:
Her Thoughts | Poem by Sajira Shrestha
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